May 10, 2017
Here are a whole bunch of reasons to hire me. Some are serious. Most aren't.
I posted everyday since May 10th, 2017 for a year straight. The plan was to either become President of the United States, or a professional ice cream tester. Neither happened, but I'm still holding out hope.
Enjoy, and as always, hire me.
Reason 1: You should hire me because I know for a fact that you won't regret it, and I will only help to make your workplace a better, more creative space.
Reason 365: I spent an entire year giving you reasons to hire me. If that's not enough, I don't know what it will take. I've offered to tattoo my body, strip, and name my first child after you. You're hard to please, and I get that. So here's my final offer:
I'll give you $5.
May 9, 2018
Reason 364: I'm like a WNBA player. Underrated, under appreciated, underfunded, and all because I can't dunk.
May 8, 2018
Reason 363: I want to be Chrissy Teigen when I grow up.
May 7, 2018
Reason 362: Tony the Tiger's catch phrase isn't about Frosted Flakes, he's actually referring to my writing skills.
May 6, 2018
Reason 361: I'm confident making hard decisions. I always go with my gut feeling, and that feeling is usually hunger.
May 5, 2018
Reason 360: I'm weirdly decent at carnival games.
May 4, 2018
Reason 359: I have no enemies, except anemones. They're animals that look like plants, they sting, and their name is impossible to pronounce.
They're the work of the devil.
May 3, 2018
Reason 358: I'm a firm believer that the dress was black and blue. Don't bring up that gold and white shit. I know what I saw and you're just wrong.
May 2, 2018
Reason 357: I'm immune to poor writing. Someone tried to give me a Twilight book and it spontaneously combusted when I touched it. I can't control my powers sometimes.
May 1, 2018
Reason 356: I've never committed treason. So, I mean, yeah.
April 30, 2018
Reason 355: I can stop myself from being grumpy without forcing myself to eat a Snickers. I know you thought it was impossible, but I'm clearly very talented.
April 29, 2018
Reason 354: I can accurately read an analog clock. A mediocre, and borderline useless, skill.
April 28, 2018
Reason 353: I have a very impressive résumé in my possession. Granted it's not mine, it's a stolen copy of Elon Musk's, but that's less important.
April 27, 2018
Reason 352: I can flip an egg without breaking the yolk. Every. Damn. Time.
April 26, 2018
Reason 351: I can screw in a nail.
April 25, 2018
Reason 350: I can actually choose an item off of the Cheesecake Factory menu in less than 45 minutes. It's a difficult responsibility, but someone has to bear it.
April 24, 2018
Reason 349: I aspire to be the perfect combination of Meryl Streep and Aubrey Plaza. Yes, women are my heroes, and I say that in the most pandering way possible.
April 23, 2018
Reason 348: I'm what Michael B. Jordan is to basketball and what Michael Jordan is to movies: for the most part unrelated.
April 22, 2018
Reason 347: I'm like 90% sure the Pyramids were built by aliens and if you hire me I'll explain why.
April 21, 2018
Reason 346: I'll be honest, I just need money to support the 13 dogs I plan on owning. If that means writing for you, sure. If it means stripping, well, we can talk about that.
April 20, 2018
Reason 345: I didn't shed one single tear during Marley & Me.
I shed literally thousands.
April 19, 2018
Reason 344: I've worked on more excellent projects than the number of Brangelina's African children.
That number is six by the way. Fucking six. Wild.
April 18, 2018
Reason 343: I can lift over 10,000 pounds. Of course I'm referring to the British currency, but it's still very impressive.
April 17, 2018
Reason 342: I have the best words. No one words better than me. Under Obama, words basically didn't exist. I invented words.
April 16, 2018
Reason 341: My friend and I have a choreographed dance to Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi."
You can judge, but I know it's just jealousy
April 15, 2018
Reason 340: I switched to Sprint and saved $9.99 a month on car insurance!
April 14, 2018
Reason 339: It's Friday the 13th, and I haven't seen any black cats, walked under any ladders, or broken any mirrors. Since I'm off to such a lucky start to my day, you might as well just hire me.
April 13, 2018
Reason 338: I can make perfect Mickey Mouse pancakes. The key is just a pinch of anti-semitism.
April 12, 2018
Reason 337: I've never once slipped on a banana peel, despite their mischievous plot of evil.
April 11, 2018
Reason 336: I can eat Cheetos without having sticky orange fingers afterwards. The trick is to have someone feed them to you. Sadly, most people turn down my requests.
April 10, 2018
Reason 335: I'm like Miley Cyrus. I'm wildly unpredictable, I'm a very gifted singer, and I'm married to Liam Hemsworth.
April 9, 2018
Reason 334: I drive a Jetta. Given that 85% of Jetta drivers are 19 year old sorority girls, I named her Britney. I have no regrets.
April 8, 2018
Reason 333: I'm very proficient in dating apps, most notably LinkedIn and the Fox News comment section. Weirdly enough, despite my expertise, I keep striking out.
April 7, 2018
Reason 332: I've eaten an oatmeal raisin cookie without dying. I know, I'm basically a superhuman.
April 6, 2018
Reason 331: I have an obsession with Grace + Frankie, and yes, I understand I'm not a middle-aged woman. Fight me.
April 5, 2018
Reason 330: I can make a really bomb Pinterest board.
April 4, 2018
Reason 329: I finally solved the chicken vs. egg debate. Neither came first. It's all a conspiracy. Jet fuel could never melt egg shells. The birth of the first chicken was an inside job.
April 3, 2018
Reason 328: I'm the human version of the city of San Francisco. There's a lot of ups and downs in my life, I'm very white, and on any given day someone could mistake me for being gay.
April 2, 2018
Reason 327: You know what, don't hire me. I'm a bad writer.
HAH. Got 'em. April Fools. Get pranked, nerd.
April 1, 2018
Reason 326: I know the metric system. And by "know" I mean I know it exists, I could never actually use it practically.
March 31, 2018
Reason 325: I was almost cast in Magic Mike. I was up for the role of the pole. It came down to the wire, but ultimately they thought it would be overkill for Channing Tatum to grind against a 6'2" naked dude.
March 30, 2018
Reason 324: I've always known that IHOP > Denny's. Fight me.
March 29, 2018
Reason 323: I don't wear trucker hats. Use that information however you choose.
March 28, 2018
Reason 322: I am an iconic dancer. Whether it's the Macarena or the Single Ladies hip shake, put me on the dance floor.
March 27, 2018
Reason 321: My words are so good, the Patriots tried to steal them.
March 26, 2018
Reason 320: I am an amazing surfer in my dreams.
March 25, 2018
Reason 319: I can find Waldo every. damn. time.
March 24, 2018
Reason 318: I always know whether something is hot dogs or legs. You can't fool me. I'm too smart.
March 23, 2018
Reason 317: I'd like to think I'm a Carrie but really I'm a Miranda. At least I'm not a Samantha, though, am I right?
March 22, 2018
Reason 316: I can drive a stick shift. Not well. But I can do it.
March 21, 2018
Reason 315: I can listen to country music without tearing my ears off of my head.
March 20, 2018
Reason 314: I know more lyrics to Selena Gomez songs than I'm proud to admit in public.
March 19, 2018
Reason 313: I can do at least one pull-up. I'm in very good shape.
March 18, 2018
Reason 312: I can use a computer with slow internet and not break my screen. It's one of the most difficult skills to master.
March 17, 2018
Reason 311: I've seen The Devil Wears Prada 63 times. And counting.
March 16 , 2018
Reason 310: I've never shared a #TacoTuesday, #ThrowbackThursday, or #AnyOtherStupidShit post, which I pride myself on.
March 15, 2018
Reason 309: I'm a top Yelp reviewer of Yelp reviewers. It's essentially my job to review other people's reviews. It's a thankless job but somebody has to do it.
March 14, 2018
Reason 308: I drink coffee like water and water like coffee.
Point is, I drink a lot of both. This is an uneventful reason but w/e.
March 13, 2018
Reason 307: I can name four different kinds of sloths. Cute sloths, cuddly sloths, adorable sloths, and amazing perfect sloths.
Did I mention sloths are my favorite animal? I know it's hard to tell.
March 12, 2018
Reason 306: I have, undoubtedly, picked the winner of March Madness. Don't even try to compete with me, my bracket is perfect.
Check back in like four days though when all my hopes and dreams are ruined.
March 11, 2018
Reason 305: I own over 20 different pairs of themed socks, which tells you that I'm both fun and weird as shit.
March 10, 2018
Reason 304: I'm equal parts Lorelai, Luke, Rory, and Kirk. If that doesn't make sense to you, then we have a problem.
Kidding but seriously do yourself a favor and watch Gilmore Girls.
March 9, 2018
Reason 303: I can operate a Keurig machine blindfolded.
March 8, 2018
Reason 302: I'm currently the reigning office pool champion, so I'm obviously a
once-in-a-generation athletic talent.
March 7, 2018
Reason 301: I have more Gold Medals than Michael Phelps. Granted, I bought a 25 pack from a place in Chinatown for like $1.99, but that's irrelevant.
March 6, 2018
Reason 300: I know what you're thinking. 300 reasons to hire one person? This guy must be either insane, insanely conceited, or a liar. Well, yeah. You're not wrong.
But have I ever told you I can juggle up to two balls at one time?
What can I say? I'm a very impressive person.
March 5, 2018
Reason 299: I think most Justin Bieber albums are very underrated. They work very well as plates, or even frisbees.
March 4, 2018
Reason 298: I've never been in the circus, but I aspire to be a trapeze artist one day. Like the rest of the circus, I've heard it's very in tents.
March 3, 2018
Reason 297: If I was a superhero, I would be Captain Breakfast. I would have a pancake for a shield and I could turn water into bacon. It's going to be great, stay tuned. Marvel already funded the script, the movie is set for a 2019 release.
March 2, 2018
Reason 296: I will always happily fight anyone who says I have an irrational love of Bon Jovi's "Lights".
March 1, 2018
Reason 295: I'm a semi professional tennis, golf, and baseball player.
On Wii Sports, that is.
February 28, 2018
Reason 294: I can open a pint of ice cream without finishing it in one sitting.
February 27, 2018
Reason 293: 60% of the time I make great work, every time.
February 26, 2018
Reason 292: I'm not a scientologist.
February 25, 2018
Reason 291: Like a Michael Bay movie, my ideas are explosive. In a good way.
February 24, 2018
Reason 290: I'm funny, like Michael. Passionate, like Dwight. Playful, like Jim. Artistic, like Pam. Cat-obsessed, like Angela. Food-obsessed, like Kevin. Smart, like Oscar. Possibly a former convicted criminal, like Creed.
If this list doesn't make sense to you, we're gonna have a problem.
February 23, 2018
Reason 289: My name means dog in Hebrew, and if that's not enough for you to hire me I don't know what it will take.
February 22, 2018
Reason 288: I've never intentionally watched a Rob Schneider movie, I promise.
February 21, 2018
Reason 287: If I were a member of the Friends cast, I would be Monica. I'm organized, good at cooking, and I'm a woman in my mid 30's.
February 20, 2018
Reason 286: I relate to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on a spiritual level. I love pizza more than life itself, and after watching the nightly news I usually would like to recede to a sewer and hide from the above ground world.
February 19, 2018
Reason 285: If you say my first name backwards, you'll know what belt I reached in Tae Kwon Do.
February 18, 2018
Reason 284: Kid Rock has threatened to release another album, featuring the Jonas Brothers, if you don't hire me. Spare the world's ears and just do the right thing.
February 17, 2018
Reason 283: Mike Tyson thaid I'm the greateth.
February 16, 2018
Reason 282: Not a reason to hire me but please consider donating: https://www.gofundme.com/stonemandouglasvictimsfund
February 15, 2018
Reason 281: My stomach hurts from eating too many Kraft Singles. Hire me out of pity.
February 14, 2018
Reason 280: If February 14th is essentially National Couples Day, then I declare today (February 13th) National Singles Day. You must celebrate by binge watching Netflix and eating copious amounts of Kraft Singles.
February 13, 2018
Reason 279: I own a pretty stylish razor scooter, which I ride through city streets with pride. You'll never have to worry about me showing up on time.
February 12, 2018
Reason 278: I like a lot of food, but mostly Applebee's and Panda Express Orange Chicken. I could never compare them though, that'd be like comparing apples to oranges.
Idk I'm sorry, it's early.
February 11, 2018
Reason 277: I'm like 90% sure I was Meryl Streep in another life, so yeah.
February 10, 2018
Reason 276: I'm really good at magic. Give me $100 and I promise you I can make it disappear.
February 9, 2018
Reason 275: I rocked a bowl cut before Justin Bieber made it cool again, just saying.
February 8, 2018
Reason 274: I pour milk into the bowl before the cereal, mostly because I'm a big fan of anarchy.
February 7, 2018
Reason 273: I can confidently pronounce the word acai in public.
February 6, 2018
Reason 272: I can parallel park pretty damn well, and honestly after living in San Francisco for six years I know how valuable of a skill that truly is.
February 5, 2018
Reason 271: I was the one who whispered the prayer to Satan that allowed Tom Brady to fumble the ball in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl. You're welcome.
February 4, 2018
Reason 270: I can play the intro song for "The Office" on piano, so that's something.
February 3, 2018
Reason 269: I have a theory that this world we live in is actually hell, and our worst punishments are Xfinity customer service lines, streaming platforms where the picture and sound are just slightly off, and people with "Dog is my co-pilot" bumper stickers.
February 2, 2018
Reason 268: I knew Cardi B way back when she was Cardi C. Oh how the times have changed.
February 1, 2018
Reason 267: I can seamlessly differentiate between blackberry and boysenberry, something even Gordon Ramsay himself struggles with.
January 31, 2018
Reason 266: Iay peaksay luentfay igpay atinlay.
January 30, 2018
Reason 265: I knew from an early age that Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana were the same person. No Disney Channel wizardry can fool me.
January 29, 2018
Reason 264: I tolerate country music.
January 28, 2018
Reason 263: I can hold a conversation about cricket. The sport, not the cellphone provider.
January 27, 2018
Reason 262: I'm strictly a right Twix kind of man. If that bothers you, or if you're one of those left Twix anarchists, clearly we won't get along.
January 26, 2018
Reason 261: I always know the difference between what are hot dogs in pictures and what are legs in pictures. Don't even try to fool me.
January 25, 2018
Reason 260: My celebrity spirit animal is Kristen Bell, which I'm sure tells you enough.
January 24, 2018
Reason 259: I'm great at window shopping, mainly because I have incredible taste in windows.
January 23, 2018
Reason 258: I've never owned a fedora.
January 22, 2018
Reason 257: I don't have a personalized license plate.
January 21, 2018
Reason 256: I actually eat the watermelon Jolly Ranchers, which I believe highlights my bold and adventurous nature.
January 20, 2018
Reason 255: If I don't pan out, I'll let you fire me by spartan kicking me into a nearby fountain 300-style. Jokes on you though because I don't get fired, I get hired.
January 19, 2018
Reason 254: I've held a baby tiger. Not necessarily a reason to hire me, just kinda wanted to brag about it.
Her name was Sophie, and even though I only got to spend five minutes with her I love her more than my actual family.
January 18, 2018
Reason 253: I overheard that a lot of people believe M&M'S have the greatest wrapper of all time, but I'm a firm believer that Twix has the greatest wrapper.
Wait, I'm receiving word that the debate was actually about the greatest rappers of all time. This is embarrassing.
January 17, 2018
Reason 252: I enjoy long walks on the beach, playing catch, eating and sleeping. I'm basically a 6'2" Golden Retriever.
January 16, 2018
Reason 251: I'm undefeated in Monopoly. To be fair, it's usually because I'm the only one willing to actually wait the 26 hours it takes to finish a game, but that's semantics.
January 15, 2018
Reason 250: Well, 250 reasons into this thing, I'm starting to get tired of complimenting myself. So here's a reason not to hire me:
HAH. You thought I was serious. Please. I'm perfect. No flaws whatsoever. Just me and Yoncé.
January 14, 2018
Reason 249: I've lived in Southern California, Northern California, and Oregon, and I've been molded by each culture. That's why I'm a self-described hippie-surfer-hipster-techie-socialite. It's a lifestyle, what can I say?
January 13, 2018
Reason 248: I want to start a ballet group that only performs in San Francisco.
I'm going to call them the Graceful Dead.
January 12, 2018
Reason 247: I can spark a match on my first try. So, needless to say, I'm an expert on wilderness survival.
January 11, 2018
Reason 246: Well, if you don't hire me, they'll make another Transformers movie. No one wants that.
January 10, 2018
Reason 245: Michelangelo actually did a lesser known painting called "The Creation of Caleb" but instead of God reaching out to a naked man, it's him touching a waffle iron. Rumor is that's how I came to be.
January 9, 2018
Reason 244: I don't eat frosting on cupcakes, and if you hire me I promise I'll let you have all the frosting that ever comes my way. That's a deal money just can't buy.
January 8, 2018
Reason 243: I can recite my ABC's backwards, in Mandarin.
January 7, 2018
Reason 242: I'm going to be the godfather for the next Kardashian-West baby, and I've been helping them choose names. It's between Southeast and Jay-X. I'll keep you updated.
January 6, 2018
Reason 241: I have a chip on my shoulder, but the good news is that it's a Dorito and it's Nacho Cheese so that's exciting.
January 5, 2018
Reason 240: I did gymnastics for two months when I was seven, so there's no question as to whether I'm comfortable with flexibility within a workplace.
January 4, 2018
Reason 239: I've got some killer creative marketing ideas, and trust me, if someone can make millions selling the American people pet rocks, just imagine what I could bring to the table.
January 3, 2018
Reason 238: I can touch my tongue to my nose, which is something, according to my very basic Google search, only 10% of the population can do. Basically I'm special and should be rewarded for that. Kthxxx
January 2, 2018
Reason 237: My New Year's resolution is to stop doing so much meth, and with a steady income I could afford to get myself some help. And some more meth.
(Just a joke, sorry Mom)
January 1, 2018
Reason 236: Welp, 2017 sucked. So did 2016. I'm starting to think this just might not be a good decade. Anyway... if there's one silver lining to take away from the steaming pile of shit that was the year 2017, it's that in 2018 at least the Kardashians won't all be pregnant anymore.
Merry New Year!
December 31, 2017
Reason 235: My writing is so good people ask me if I'm an alien.
Because it's out of this world.
December 30, 2017
Reason 234: I can build a pretty impressive house out of the jam packets at the local diner.
December 29, 2017
Reason 233: It's either you hire or me, or I go back to stripping. Choose wisely.
December 28, 2017
Reason 232: I'm pretty good at mini-golf.
December 27, 2017
Reason 231: Because if you don't hire me I'm gonna have to go back to my side job working as a Real House Wife of San Francisco, and that shit is just too much drama, trust me.
December 26, 2017
Reason 230: Kanye will be angry if you don't!
Granted, he'll probably be angry no matter what. Idk. Just kind of seems like an angry guy, ya know? Must be hard when you're worth like 200 million dollars and you're still the third most valuable member of your family. Anyway.
December 25, 2017
Reason 229: I can use a can opener, wait for it, blindfolded.
December 24, 2017
Reason 228: If you hire me I will allow you to WWE-style super slam, chair optional, me on my first day.
December 23, 2017
Reason 227: Because if you don't another college sophomore will unironically get Wayne Gretzy's iconic "You Miss 100% of the Shots You Don't Take" quote, with a mini shot glass, tattooed on their back in a pathetic attempt to impress their friends, all the while repressing the fact that they're unable to conceal their rampant adolescent alcoholism.
Yeah, you don't want that.
December 22, 2017
Reason 226: I have a million dollar idea, but I'll only tell you if you hire me.
Just kidding. So hear me out. It's a reverse Snuggie, exactly like a normal Snuggie but it covers your entire back and arms, leaving your front exposed.
Wait, my agent is actually informing me those are just called robes and have existed for centuries.
December 21, 2017
Reason 225: I've never said the word bae, other than to directly make fun of the word itself.
December 20, 2017
Reason 224: My dream is to have Nick Cage make a low budget movie about my life, and that won't happen unless I get a job working to protect the Declaration of Independence, but obviously that takes time so a copywriting gig, just for starters, would work wonders. Gotta work my way up, you know?
December 19, 2017
Reason 223: Because if you don't Kris Jenner will eat another baby.
December 18, 2017
Reason 222: I have a really killer green tutu that I wear to Oregon games. I'll wear it around the office for one day a year as part of my contract.
December 17, 2017
Reason 221: I can count all the way to 221, so don't say I'm not a multi-talented asset.
December 16, 2017
Reason 220: I will absolutely obliterate you in Catan.
December 15, 2017
Reason 219: I can make lemonade out of lemons, if you know what I mean.
First you take lemons, and then you squeeze them, and then you add water and a fuck ton of sugar.
Not that hard tbh.
December 14, 2017
Reason 218: If Shaggy and Scooby run at the same pace, and a Great Dane's top speed is 27 MPH, that means Shaggy is the fastest man ever, breaking Usain Bolt's mark set at the World Championships. Therefore, all records must be vacated.
Hire me for more conspiracy theories.
December 13, 2017
Reason 217: I would say something about me here, but a Democrat just won a Senate race in Alabama so I'm going to run outside real quick and go watch the flying pigs pass by my house.
December 12, 2017
Reason 216: The Christmas ghost of Mariah Carey will be very angry with you if you don't hire me, I'll let you know that right now.
December 11, 2017
Reason 215: "Caleb is great. Best writer out there, maybe ever. Great taste in music, too." - Albert Einstein
December 10, 2017
Reason 214: Every kiss may begin with K, but every successful entry-level employee's name begins with C.
December 9, 2017
Reason 213: Much like a lava lamp, I can always go with the flow.
December 8, 2017
Reason 212: I graduated college today! I bet you know what I want for my graduation present. That's right. A Segway.
Oh and for you to hire me.
December 7, 2017
Reason 211: I have the best Shark Tank idea. Hear me out. We try to sell Mark Cuban actual shark tanks. There's a growing demand for shark-based housing in the Midwest. We could customize them, and even give them little rocks and plants like one would for a normal fish tank. I'm telling you, this is the future.
December 6, 2017
Reason 210: I can actually choose a show on Netflix instead of endlessly scrolling through options.
Heads up though, it's almost always The Office.
December 5, 2017
Reason 209: I mean I've never committed arson so that's pretty good I guess.
December 4, 2017
Reason 208: It's what Li'l Sebastian would've wanted. Don't let him down, Ben.
December 3, 2017
Reason 207: Because if you don't hire me, Liam Neeson will find you. And he will send really passive aggressive letters to your HR department until you do.
December 2, 2017
Reason 206: You should hire me because today is the first day of December and December, on top of being the best month of the year by far because CHRISTMAS, is also all about giving and sharing, and what better gift to give than the gift of a steady income and an encouraging work environment.
December 1, 2017
Reason 205: I will eat hash browns any where, at any time. Don't believe me? I once drove 45 miles just so I could eat hash browns at 4 a.m.
It's a problem.
November 30, 2017
Reason 204: I love 80's movies, I hate social media, and I just got new shoes. I'm an old soul with young soles.
November 29, 2017
Reason 203: I love candle shops.
November 28, 2017
Reason 202: I can actually make an HDMI cord work on the first try, without having to wiggle the cord at all. It's one of my better talents.
November 27, 2017
Reason 201: If I were in a horror film I definitely wouldn't suggest we "break up and search for clues." Yes, I know that's also exactly what Fred says in Scooby Doo, but let's be honest that shit is pretty scary too.
November 26, 2017
Reason 200: Another day, another milestone for the blog.
200 reasons, wow.
Once again I feel I must celebrate this achievement with something special, perhaps my best reason to hire me yet.
You should hire me because, uhhh, I don't know something about 200 being CC in Roman numerals and my initials being CC. It's early, sorry. But yay 200!
November 25, 2017
Reason 199: I would've ran the damn ball, @Pete Carroll @SeattleSeahawks.
November 24, 2017
Reason 198: This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for the fact that I somehow haven't run out of reasons for you to hire me. Today's reason: I think turkey is overrated. Call it blasphemous, I know. It's simply the truth.
November 23, 2017
Reason 197: I like to compare my writing to the works of great writers who have come before me. For example, where would I be without Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga?
November 22, 2017
Reason 196: I can actually flip an egg in a pan without breaking the yolk. Needless to say, I'm pretty gifted.
November 21, 2017
Reason 195: If People Magazine can afford to name Blake Shelton the sexiest man alive, then you can definitely afford to hire me.
November 20, 2017
Reason 194: I once beat Simon Cowell in a game of Simon Says. It was my turn to be Simon, and I said "Simon says smile!" He physically couldn't do it.
November 19, 2017
Reason 193: I know the true identity of the fourth Ball brother, LeCreuset. He's known for slowly cooking defenders with his crossover.
November 18, 2017
Reason 192: I look really good in heels.
November 17, 2017
Reason 191: You should hire me because I have the nerve to call Santa on his creepy shit. I mean come on, watching little kids while they're sleeping? How has this not been discussed more seriously yet?
November 16, 2017
Reason 190: Do you ever wonder how kids 50 years from now will remember the music from my generation? My parents, for example, grew up with Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles, Elton John...must I continue? Like what's gonna happen when my kids ask about the music I used to listen to when I was their age and I start bumping Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen or Dance (A$$ Remix) by Nicki Minaj? I mean, for fucks sake, what did my generation do to deserve Lil Yachty?
Anyway. Rant over. Hire me for sick beats.
November 15, 2017
Reason 189: You should hire me because I can ride my bike with no handlebars.
P.S. I'm really sorry if this joke doesn't land, but I will say that 2007 is disappointed in your pop culture knowledge.
November 14, 2017
Reason 188: Today is November Thirteenth. Now, is it a coincidence that when you rearrange those letters it spells hire me ttnthnoveber? I think not.
November 13, 2017
Reason 187: You shouldn't hire me at all.
Just kidding, it's opposite day. Get pranked, nerd.
November 12, 2017
Reason 186: I'm posting this at 11:11 on 11/11, to avoid 1,000 years of bad luck you should just hire me.
November 11, 2017
Reason 185: I've lived in Eugene, OR for the last four years, so there's no question I can function in even the most extreme of rain storms.
I'm like if Aquaman had a baby with a #2 pencil.
November 10, 2017
Reason 184: Michael Jordan/Gatorade launched a commercial called "Be Like Caleb"
Don't look it up though. Just trust me.
November 9, 2017
Reason 183: I found God once. Seriously.
He was in an airport Cinnabon after I hadn't eaten in like 16 hours. It got spiritual.
November 8, 2017
Reason 182: I'm not going to lie, I'm a pretty good rapper/producer.
Call me DJ Khaleb.
Fuck, I hate myself.
November 7, 2017
Reason 181: I have only one weakness, but for the sake of transparency I'll let you in on my secret:
I absolutely love sloths. If you bring a sloth to the office, I will do anything for you. Need me to hide a body? You got it, boss. Just let me play with the sloth for five minutes first.
November 6, 2017
Reason 180: I have successfully navigated unknown city streets without the use of Siri/Google Maps. I know, I know, I'm basically a 21st century God.
November 5, 2017
Reason 179: I can actually commit to a diet and stick to it. Granted that diet may be exclusively based off of cereal and hash browns, but at least it's a diet.
November 4, 2017
Reason 178: I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my hands like a normal fucking person, I'm sorry I don't have a radioactive superpowered tongue.
November 3, 2017
Reason 177: I very much enjoy botanical gardens, so there's no question that I would blossom under your guidance.
Flowers puns. That's where I'm at rn. Yikes.
November 2, 2017
Reason 176: Given that it is now the day after Halloween, I will be playing Mariah Carey's Christmas album on repeat for the next 55 consecutive days. I'm that guy. Take it or leave it.
November 1, 2017
Reason 175: In the spirit of Halloween, I figured I'd offer you my best costume idea yet in exchange for you hiring me (honor system here):
If you take a Starbucks green apron and combine that with a ghost mask, you could be a Boo-rista. You're welcome.
October 31, 2017
Reason 174: I hate planes, mostly because they're all made by the devil, so you can always look to me for a road trip!
October 30, 2017
Reason 173: I'm one of the few who CAN believe it's not butter. I mean come on, it's not even close really.
October 29, 2017
Reason 172: I have never owned a fidget spinner, and that's something I'm quite proud of.
October 28, 2017
Reason 171: I have a custom snuggie, so you know my fashion sense is up to snuff.
October 27, 2017
Reason 170: If there are dogs in your office you won't ever have to worry about paying me since I'd be willing to show up to work for free just to pet the puppers.
October 26, 2017
Reason 169: I still read books in the 21st century, which is sadly something that is worth putting here.
October 25, 2017
Reason 168: I can pronounce the word "Worcestershire" correctly, and that alone is a feat of mere wonder.
October 24, 2017
Reason 167: I have relatively thick chest hair, and one year I shaved it to look like the Batman symbol. It's the closest I've ever come to being a super hero. Not 100% sure why you'd want to hire me because of that, but hey I'm 167 reasons deep so you never know.
October 23, 2017
Reason 166: I owned a Zune and survived to tell the tale, so that's pretty impressive.
October 22, 2017
Reason 165: Honestly, I like the new Taylor Swift, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Sue me. At least I'm comfortable with who I am.
October 21, 2017
Reason 164: I've actually been to the state of North Dakota, so you know I'm cultured. Oh, and say what you will, but it is easily in the top 50 states I've ever visited.
October 20, 2017
Reason 163: I won a fifth grade city wide math competition, so there's no question about my ability to perform in the spotlight.
October 19, 2017
Reason 162: Sometimes when I write, I get very spiritual. In fact, I like to perform small religious ceremonies before I go off to write. I call them writuals.
October 18, 2017
Reason 161: I liked Eminem before he was cool, back when he went by the stage name Reesus Peesus.
October 17, 2017
Reason 160: I'm working on a conspiracy theory that proves that Ryan Seacrest is actually a robot, which is why he can be on 80 different T.V. and radio stations at once. If I'm proven right I'll be extremely famous, and you will have recently hired a celebrity. Think about the opportunity.
October 16, 2017
Reason 159: I watch a lot of great television, so I like to think my work is inspired by those great writers. Take The Sopranos, for example, those writers taught me the importance of
October 15, 2017
Reason 158: I once drove five hours just so I could get an In-N-Out burger and fries (because fuck Oregon) so there's no question I'm driven to achieve my goals.
October 14, 2017
Reason 157: I was certified in CPR in 2009, so if you decide to go back in time eight years and start choking just know that 2009 Caleb will be there to save you.
October 13, 2017
Reason 156: According to Starbucks, I have alter egos. So when you hire me, not only do you get Caleb, but you also get Kaleb, Kaileb, Calub and my person favorite Kayla.
October 12, 2017
Reason 155: When I was younger I found a dead body, hire me to find out if it scarred me for life!
The suspense is, no pun intended, killing me.
October 11, 2017
Reason 154: You should hire me because, like the date, my writing is a 10/10.
October 10, 2017
Reason 153: While I was growing up I ate at the same restaurant for brunch every Sunday morning, and I got the same thing every time. After like eight years they FINALLY named my omelette after me. Do you have any one working for you that has an omelette named after them? Yeah, I didn't think so.
October 9, 2017
Reason 152: I have a birthmark that looks like a vampire bit my hip. Maybe that's a little too revealing, but you know what I always say...
"If you're not revealing yourself to a potential employer, you're doing it wrong."
October 8, 2017
Reason 151: I pour chocolate milk into my Cocoa Puffs, instead of just waiting for the regular milk to become chocolatey, so you know I'm innovative.
October 7, 2017
Reason 150: Wow, 150 in, another milestone. Today I guess a good reason to hire me is because I know how to count all the way to 150!
October 6, 2017
Reason 149: I'm terrified of planes, so know that if you hire me and we ever have to fly somewhere together you can amuse yourself by watching me grip the armrests tighter than Adam Sandler trying to hold on to the twilight of his career.
October 5, 2017
Reason 148: I can make killer Mickey Mouse pancakes, the trick is to use real mouse in the batter.
October 4, 2017
Reason 147: I'm great with wordplay, in fact just the other day I took the word "watermelon" to the park and we played for hours.
October 3, 2017
Reason 146: Today is my 21st birthday, and I know you probably didn't get me a gift, so to make this less awkward for the both of us you should just hire me.
October 2, 2017:
Reason 145: I've been to the Bermuda Triangle and lived to tell the story. Technically the Bermuda Triangle is just the name of a bar in my hometown, but let's not split hairs here.
October 1, 2017
Reason 144: I've played video games with Channing Tatum and Anne Hathaway in the same day. If you hire me, I'll tell you who was better.
September 30, 2017
Reason 143: I'm a borderline professional Settlers of Catan player, so hopefully you know what that means and why it's so important that you hire me right this second.
September 29, 2017
Reason 142: I can almost hit the same note Beyoncé does in Halo, therefore I'm basically Beyoncé, and who wouldn't hire the queen?
September 28, 2017
Reason 141: I can make Mac n' Cheese from scratch, instead of out of a box, so if that wouldn't make me the new "most valuable" member of your team then I don't know what will.
September 27, 2017
Reason 140: I wear Skechers, so you'll never have to worry about me being the most stylish in the office. I will say, however, that they light up AND have wheels, so you can pass your judgment to someone else.
September 26, 2017
Reason 139: I once played polo with a guy named Marco, and I never once made a joke. What does that tell you about me? Well I'm strong willed, for starters. I'm also completely full of shit, but that's less important.
September 25, 2017
Reason 138: I was voted captain of my fourth grade basketball team, so you know I'm an unquestionable leader.
September 24, 2017
Reason 137: I actually know where the Wild Things are, and if you hire me I'll let you in on my secret.
I lied, I'll tell you. It's New Jersey.
September 23, 2017
Reason 136: The legendary guitarist Santana once tried to steal me in an airport when I was a baby (because I was just so damn cute), so that has to count for something.
September 22, 2017
Reason 135: I have excellent stick figure art skills, so if you ever need a portrait done feel free to ask me. I only charge $500/hr.
September 21, 2017
Reason 134: I always make sure I position the toilet paper to be pulled from over the top, so you know I'm not one of those underneath-pull TP freaks.
September 20, 2017
Reason 133: My words are like a fine wine, they're even better when you're drunk.
September 19, 2017
Reason 132: Because Uncle Sam Needs You...to hire me.
September 18, 2017
Reason 131: You should hire me because if you don't Stephenie Meyer said she'll write another Twilight book.
September 17, 2017
Reason 130: I'm on Taylor's side in the whole Kim and Kanye thing, idk maybe that matters to you?
September 16, 2017
Reason 129: I can go to the beach and come back without a single grain of sand on me. You know why? Because it's actually multiple grains of sand.
September 15, 2017
Reason 128: I mix coffee and orange juice, not because I like it but because people told me I couldn't. But that's just who I am, a daredevil.
September 14, 2017
Reason 127: I can spell restaurant correctly, which may seem like a minor thing to you but for me it was an uphill battle. So, not only can I spell well, but I'm also resilient.
September 13, 2017
Reason 126: I've seen every episode of Gilmore Girls at least five times, which I believe is an essential trait for any creative employee.
September 12, 2017
Reason 125: It doesn't feel right to make a joke today, so instead you should hire me because I have green eyes. Absolutely no logic behind that, but hey you never know.
September 11, 2017
Reason 124: Much like Rick Sanchez, or Dr. Evil, I have a tiny version of myself that makes me even more of an efficient worker.
September 10, 2017
Reason 123: I'm not saying I'm the Batman, all I'm saying is that we've never been seen at the same place at the same time.
September 9, 2017
Reason 122: If you call my name three times into a mirror with the lights off and one candle lit in the back corner, absolutely nothing happens. But it's nice to know you're thinking of me.
September 8, 2017
Reason 121: I tell such convincing and powerful stories, I once made Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson frown for three whole seconds.
September 7, 2017
Reason 120: You know that guy in the office who eats other people's food, even though their name is on it?
Well I'm the opposite. I write your name on food I bring into the office. I'm like food Santa.
September 6, 2017
Reason 119: When I used to watch Dora the Explorer, Swiper never stole anything of mine. If anything, this proves how trustworthy I am. That guy was a dick.
September 5, 2017
Reason 118: This entire blog is a cryptogram, with every letter actually representing a different letter that spells out a completely new message. If you can solve the puzzle, I'll give you $1 and I'll work for you. Sounds like a great deal to me.
September 4, 2017
Reason 117: I know the difference between there, their, and they're.
So their, just think about that!
September 3, 2017
Reason 116: I can pull off a male romper. Hire me, if you don't believe me, so I can show you in person.
September 2, 2017
Reason 115: I once saw Kevin Hart running in Central Park, but when I called out "Hey Kev!" he kept running. To be fair he had his headphones in, which could be why he didn't answer. Or it wasn't Kevin Hart. Or, most likely, he just didn't want to deal with annoying fans every two seconds during his run. Either way, this story has no takeaway. I just thought it was cool.
See ya tomorrow.
September 1, 2017
Reason 114: Like the film Sharknado, I'm timeless.
August 31, 2017
Reason 113: Gordon Ramsay once ate my food, and without saying a word, he stood up and applauded for three straight days.
I'll cook for you, allowing your tastebuds to go on the same magical journey Gordon was lucky enough to experience, but only if you hire me.
August 30, 2017
Reason 112: I can play just about four chords on the Ukulele so you know I'm musically gifted.
August 29, 2017
Reason 111: I've used Internet Explorer within the last six months and lived to tell the tale. You'll want guts like that.
August 28, 2017
Reason 110: Like Beyoncé, I'm flawless. That is all.
August 27, 2017
Reason 109: I make excellent Origami. The key to making perfect Origami is to pay someone who's actually good at making it to make it for you, then steal their work and claim it for your own.
August 26, 2017
Reason 108: I'm calm under pressure, unless the actual song Under Pressure comes on. In that situation, like any normal person, I'm forced to dance.
August 25, 2017
Reason 107: I love Christmas more than Trump loves Twitter, and I guarantee to bring that holiday spirit into your office.
August 24, 2017
Reason 106: I have the weirdest fucking laugh. When I think something's really funny, I start doing this thing where my body convulses and shrieks at extremely high volumes. It kind of sounds like a dolphin with the hiccups.
The point is if you hire me you'll never have to be self conscious about your laugh since mine will always be weirder.
August 23, 2017
Reason 105: Had I been accepted to Hogwarts (still waiting on that damn letter), I would've been a Ravenclaw. I think that tells you everything you need to know.
August 22, 2017
Reason 104: There's a lot of people who deserve the job you're considering me for, but I guarantee you none of them have ever completed an entire New York Times crossword puzzle in under two minutes. I haven't either, but that's irrelevant.
August 21, 2017
Reason 103: I actually learned a very valuable lesson one time while waiting to get a drink at prom. I was with my date, and she and I had been waiting for like 30 minutes to get a drink because the line was so damn long, and I was obviously getting super impatient. I was just about ready to leave when she stopped me. I'll never forget what she told me after that.
She said, "Caleb, this is just a really long punch line."
August 20, 2017
Reason 102: I can listen to an entire Lil Yachty song without screaming and running into a wall, so needless to say I have excellent self control.
August 19, 2017
Reason 101: In honor of 101 Dalmatians, I know everything isn't always black and white. That's why I always listen to "both sides" of a story or an argument, and do my best to make sure "both sides" get their justice.
Unless, of course, the other "side" is filled with fucking Nazis.
August 18, 2017
Reason 100: Woah. This is a big day. 100 straight days of shamelessly promoting myself. This one better be big.
Ummmmm. I write gud.
Fuck. Get it together man.
It's spelled rite. There we go.
I rite gud. Hyre me.
August 17, 2017
Reason 99: I'm such a good writer, I make people sick. In fact, I think I might have to open a pharmacy to help people who've been affected by my lines.
I'm gonna call it Write-Aid.
I'll see myself out.
August 16, 2017
Reason 98: I once had a staring contest with a picture of my Grandfather. I won.
August 15, 2017
Reason 97: I have absurdly large feet (size 15), but I'm not in the NBA so I've clearly learned how to deal with adversity.
August 14, 2017
Reason 96: I always wear a Medical ID bracelet, so in case you forget my name while walking around the office just sneak a look at my bracelet.
You'll never have that awkward moment where I say "Hi Janet" and you're stuck with the classic "Oh hey there buddy" where we both realize you don't know my name, but instead of moving past it we just kind of stand there in uncomfortable silence before I pretend to get a phone call and walk in the other direction.
August 13, 2017
Reason 95: I'm not a Nazi, so hey I guess in present-day America that's a plus, right?
August 12, 2017
Reason 94: If hired, due to my lack of shame, I will perform 30 full seconds of the Macarena. See what I have to resort to? I hope you're happy.
August 11, 2017
Reason 93: I know all the secret-menu items at like three different fast food chains. Imagine what you could do with that kind of power.
August 10, 2017
Reason 92: I'm such a great salesman I once sold hair gel to Bruce Willis.
August 9, 2017
Reason 91: I know like five words in Russian, so in case we ever do any work for the White House I'll fit right in.
August 8, 2017
Reason 90: If you hire me, I'll name my first child after you, [insert recruiter name here].
August 7, 2017
Reason 89: The mirror on the wall told me I'm the fairest of them all, so take that how you will.
August 6, 2017
Reason 88: I could be your first on-staff Olympic Gold Medalist. That's right, I won gold in multiple events back in Sochi. The events were:
- Competitive Napping
- Dog Petting
- Most Tears Shed After Watching the Intro to Pixar's Up
August 5, 2017
Reason 87: No matter what constructive criticism I receive during my time with your company, I know it'll never compete with the "constructive criticism" I've received from my mother over the years. So, basically, go nuts.
Hopefully there won't be too much to criticize, though...
August 4, 2017
Reason 86: I'm a morning person and a night-owl, so whether you need me alert and awake at 6 a.m. or 11 p.m. I'm confident I could handle both. The trick is to secretly run an IV of coffee under your shirt.
August 3, 2017
Reason 85: I can watch someone else yawn without yawning myself. I'm basically a watered-down version of Dos Equis' Most Interesting Man in the World.
August 2, 2017
Reason 84: I've played basketball with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Hire me, and I'll tell you who won.
August 1, 2017
Reason 83: I can operate an ice machine on a refrigerator door without accidentally missing some of the ice and having it fall on to the floor. What can I say? I'm gifted.
July 31, 2017
Reason 82: If my life were a movie, it would have at least an 80% on Rotten Tomatoes. Comparable to RoboCop or Freaky Friday, the Jamie Lee Curtis one of course.
July 30, 2017
Reason 81: Like Kobe, who famously scored 81 points against the Toronto Raptors, I'm comfortable taking all the shots. Put the ball in my hand and see what I do with it. It's all about that Mamba mentality.
July 29, 2017
Reason 80: I'm a janitor currently working at MIT, with a genius-level intellect. In my free time I enjoy solving graduate-level math problems on chalk boards.
No, this isn't just the plot of Good Will Hunting.
July 28, 2017
Reason 79: If you'd be up for it, we could walk into a Juicy Couture store and try to convince them my father owns all the stores. Of course, after which, we could then try to take as many clothes as possible. Couturie, Couture, close enough right?
July 27, 2017
Reason 78: I'm so convincing, I once made the Cookie Monster eat a brownie. True story.
July 26, 2017
Reason 77: I do my morning crossword in Sharpie, sometimes highlighter if I'm feeling extra spicy, so you know I'm confident.
July 25, 2017
Reason 76: I can do very mediocre card tricks. If you want to be only slightly amazed, you should consider hiring me. My stage name is Sirius Blackjack.
July 24, 2017
Reason 75: Since I'm diabetic I'm not afraid of needles, so if we ever want to go get acupuncture or sell our blood for cash I'm totally game.
July 23, 2017
Reason 74: I can see a spider, grab a glass, take the spider outside of a house, ALL without burning the entire house down. It's a special skill, but what can I say I'm blessed.
July 22, 2017
Reason 73: I'm incredibly emotionally mature. For example, I watched one of those videos where a dog sees his dad for the first time in months coming home from war, and I'll have you know I only cried for two weeks.
July 21, 2017
Reason 72: I'm a pretty slow runner, so if we're ever being chased by a crazy monster, or my girlfriend when she's hungry, I'm sure you'll be relieved to know I will all but certainly die first.
July 20, 2017
Reason 71: I'm really good at math, so if you hire me I could be your human calculator. Look! I'll give you three examples.
1. 7 x 9 = 63
2. The square root of 69 is eight something (according to Drake)
3. Caleb + Your Company = phenomenally successful campaigns
July 19, 2017
Reason 70: Let's make a bet. I bet you had to highlight this to read it. If i win, you owe me a job. Sounds fair, right?
July 18, 2017
(Highlight to read)
Reason 69: John Legend actually wrote "All of Me" about me, not Chrissy Teigen. You can tell it's about me when he sing "love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections."
July 17, 2017
Reason 68: I once lifted a train with just one hand. It might've been a toy train, but that's really neither here nor there.
July 16, 2017
Reason 67: I can fold a fitted sheet. Enough said.
July 15, 2017
Reason 66: I can find Waldo every time in under 15 seconds. Don't believe me? Hire me and I'll prove it.
July 14, 2017
Reason 65: I have a Jamaican Godfather who used to get confused for Bob Marley when he first moved to San Francisco. That's not really a reason to hire me, I just think it's cool.
BUT, if you hire me, I'll tell you the story of how the two of us almost crashed a car in Mexico.
July 13, 2017
Reason 64: I'm 6'2" and 185 pounds, so I'm really good at lifting heavy things and reaching tall shelves.
Unless of course a 6'3" and 190 pound guy is around, then I'm useless.
July 12, 2017
Reason 63: I was able to break up with Taylor Swift and have her not write an angry pop-country song about me. Sure, it was a different Taylor Swift, but is that really relevant?
July 11, 2017
Reason 62: "You miss 100% of the Calebs you don't hire. - Wayne Gretzky"- Michael Scott
July 10, 2017
Reason 61: I once walked across the Grand Canyon on a tight rope.
Sure, it was a dream, but does that really matter? Don't diminish my accomplishments.
Why should you hire me because of this, though? Well, if anything, it reaffirms to you that I dream big. That's something, right?
July 9, 2017
Reason 60: I'm really good at magic tricks. For example, one time I ordered an entire pizza and in just five short minutes it was completely gone!
Wait what's that?
Oh, I'm being told that's just an addiction to food.
Whatever, magic sounds better.
July 8, 2017
Reason 59: I can rhyme things with orange, look!
Door hinge, porridge, storage, hiremeange..
They all rhyme!
July 7, 2017
Reason 58: I'm faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. I may or may not be Superman.
*Disclaimer: These characteristics only apply when there's first come, first-served pizza in the office.
July 6, 2017
Reason 57: I'm not afraid of spiders, so if there is ever a spider in the office and no one wants to go near it, I will take the fall and exterminate the vile creature. In case you couldn't tell by the pink background I'm a very manly man.
July 5, 2017
Reason 56: I can actually buy a package of cookie dough from the store, return home, keep it in the fridge AND bake the actual cookies, all without eating the raw cookie dough.
What does that tell you? Well, first off, I have excellent self control. More importantly, I'm also a great liar, because of course I sneak a bite or two before I put them in the oven come on I'm only human.
July 4, 2017
Reason 55: I can ride a horse. So, let's say we stumble across a time machine, which naturally takes us back to mid-nineteenth century America. In our first five minutes, we'd likely be thrust into a battle along the Frontier. You're going to want someone who can ride along by your side, shootin' outlaws and what not.
Look I didn't say all of these would be realistic. That's your fault if you assumed that.
July 3, 2017
Reason 54: I legitimately believe I'm smarter than our President, and since that's the highest office one can hold in this country I think that's a pretty convincing reason to hire me.
*Note THIS President, not any President*
July 2, 2017
Reason 53: I can hold my breath really long under water. How that will help me at your office, I'm not quite sure. Maybe I just wanted to humble brag, okay? Get off my case man.
July 1, 2017
Reason 52: I can tuck my ear inside my ear, so if we as an office ever decide to join a circus I can be the leading act.
It's hard to explain without actually showing you, though, so you might as well hire me so I can show you in person.
June 30, 2017
Reason 51: I write killer poems. For example, here is a haiku:
I can write words good.
I love breakfast sandwiches.
You should hire me (please).
June 29, 2017
Reason 50: If hired, I will prank another agency of your choosing. Really want to get your rival back for some reason or another? Nothing like a good old-fashioned teepeeing to resolve some feelings. The high road is less fun, anyway.
June 28, 2017
Reason 49: I can draw a pretty impressive cartoon lion. His name is Lionel. He's an off-duty police offer with an unquenchable desire for justice. And doughnuts.
June 27, 2017
Reason 48: I can lift really heavy things. Let's say you have a spare anvil laying around the office, or a binder detailing the mistakes Trump has made so far during his presidency. No matter how heavy that thing may be, I can confidently throw my back out trying to lift it.
June 26, 2017
Reason 47: I can confidently tell the difference between the Olsen twins. With an eye for detail like that, how can you afford to not hire me?
June 25, 2017
Reason 46: I give excellent gifts. If we do an office Secret Santa, you can intentionally make me your partner and I will give you a bomb gift. That's a guarantee.
Not like a literal bomb though. That would be dangerous.
June 24, 2017
Reason 45: I'm left handed. According to a completely random infographic I found, that may or may not be based in fact (#FakeNews), hiring a lefty is a smart move on your behalf. Not only are we more likely to be geniuses, but we're also more likely to make more money. Smart work AND work that brings you more money? What more could you ask for?
June 23, 2017
Reason 44: In honor of the NBA Draft, just think of me like your very own Lonzo Ball. I'm young and I'm a team player with a pass-first mindset. I'm also destined to be in L.A., and my dad is a loud mouth whose made millions off my name and my brand (O.K. that last part might be a stretch but you get the point).
Draft me! You won't regret it, I pinky promise.
June 22, 2017
Reason 43: Remember the tattoo thing (see Reason 13)? I'm doubling down. This time, I'll get a piercing of your choice. Anywhere on my body except the obvious. To help get you started, I'll let you know I once had a girl I was dating tell me I'd look good with nipple piercings. Needless to say we didn't work out, but hey maybe she was on to something.
June 21, 2017
Reason 42: Unlike Kevin Durant, I'm loyal. If you treat me well and give me a chance, I will always treat your organization with that same respect and fairness. I won't leave for Wieden + Kennedy just because they have three all-stars, ya dig?
June 20, 2017
Reason 41: I have incredible references. Just ask my uncle, maybe you've heard of him, JOE BIDEN?!
Here's what good ol' uncle Joe had to say: "Caleb is great. Incredibly hard worker, loves to do creative work, and is a damn good American. He's my second best friend in the whole world besides Barack. Plus he makes killer waffles."
Don't look it up, just trust me. If my uncle, Joe Biden, is saying that (again just trust me on this one no need for a Google search or anything) then how could you possibly say no?
June 19, 2017
Reason 40: I never get tired of puns. For example, my favorite fruit based Star Wars movie is The Empear Strikes Back.
June 18, 2017
Reason 39: You know the expression "it's like he has two left feet" to describe someone who is poor at soccer? Well, in my case, it's more like a half of a left foot and then some weird deformed piece of fruit. Bring me to pick up soccer games with your friends, put me as the defenseman on the other team, and score away! Make yourself look better! I have no shame, and if it takes getting scored on to score a job with you, that's what I'll do. See what I did there? Anyway...
June 17, 2017
Reason 38: I order the really spicy wings at Buffalo Wild Wings so people can know how manly I am. You'll want those kind of guts in your office, I know it.
June 16, 2017
Reason 37: Mmkay. A little less funny, a little more personal here. Throughout my entire life, I've grown up hearing no. "No" to getting in to this school, "no" to this or that club or organization. People tell me "no" a lot, and yet at the end of the day I got into my dream school and dream program, I will graduate among the top of my peers, I won a national ad competition through the One Club and won all five pitches I competed for during my tenure with the student-run ad agency here, AHA. Just once, before working my ass off to prove you wrong if you choose to tell me no, it would be nice to be told yes. I know I can do this. Your trust in me would mean the world, I will not disappoint you.
June 15, 2017
Reason 36: I'm like a pigeon. I'm always hungry, I take any opportunity no matter how big or small, and I was brought over to the U.S. from Europe on a ship in the 1600's.
June 14, 2017
Reason 35: 13 and 6 are my favorite numbers. Today is June 13th, or 6/13. Maybe, sometimes, you just have to leave it to luck and chance?
June 13, 2017
Reason 34: I have like eight Hawaiian patterned shirts that I could wear to work. That either means I have way too much fun through life and will bring that to the workplace, OR it means that I treat work like a vacation because I'm just enjoying my time that much. Either way, sure sounds good to me.
June 12, 2017
Reason 33: I know the true meaning of covfefe. Hire me, and perhaps I'll let you in on my secret.
June 11, 2017
Reason 32: I can sing/recite the majority of Frozen by heart. Say what you will, but that shows dedication and an unwavering commitment to staying true to who I am, despite what society may say about a grown man wearing a princess dress to a sing-a-long at a theater's matinee showing.
June 10, 2017
Reason 31: I can grow a pretty nice beard. And like, I know that's probably not going to matter all that much in the grand scheme of things, but what if we get into a competition with another agency during no-shave November? I'll be ready, and you'll want me on your team.
June 9, 2017
Reason 30: I have woken up and gotten out of bed every morning since Trump was elected without giving in to the existential dread that looms ominously over our beloved country. So, needless to say, I'm optimistic.
June 8, 2017
Reason 29: I will confidently tell people that I like Pepsi more than Coke, so clearly I don't succumb to peer-pressure and I'm comfortable living life on the edge.
June 7, 2017
Reason 28: I once got a coupon for three free pizzas from Domino's because I once waited three hours for a pizza to be delivered. They lost my order, twice.
I believe this is actually a two-for-one reason to hire me. The first is that I'm patient, and willing to wait through all the bullshit life may throw at me if it means the payoff is still good. The second is that I will do absolutely anything for food. Don't abuse that information.
June 6, 2017
Reason 27: I know who the second gunman was on the grassy knoll. Imagine what you could do with that knowledge.
June 5, 2017
Reason 26: I have no shame, and I'm willing to do just about anything to get myself a killer job, so as a one time only offer I will wear an OSU "Go Beavers" shirt into the office, but I swear to God there will be absolutely no pictures taken.
June 4, 2017
Reason 25: 我很高兴你花时间来翻译这个，现在雇用我？
June 3, 2017
Reason 24: I can do a KILLER Jamaican accent. If that's not a deal sealer, I don't know what is.
June 2, 2017
Reason 23: I can invent the coolest secret handshakes you've ever seen. I'm talking British Lindsay Lohan and her butler in the Parent Trap cool. Sure, it may distract a little from our work, but how badly have you always wanted to have a crazy secret handshake?
June 1, 2017
Reason 22: When I say I'm committed to things, I mean it. I don't give up when things get hard, instead I become even more motivated to succeed. I know failure is a huge part of this business, and I'm willing to fail, because I know success takes time.
May 31, 2017
Reason 21: I give killer massages. Extra-stressed after a long day of work? For the low price of $200 an hour I'll get rid of those knots.
I know that sounds pricy, but does it make you feel better that I'm 100% unlicensed?
May 30, 2017
Reason 20: I started an entire God damn blog just so you would give me a chance to prove that I can make great work at your agency. That has to be worth even a one day trial run, right? I make a killer coffee with cream and sugar so I'm already better off than most interns!
May 29, 2017
Reason 19: Since I'm not a fan of Twitter or Instagram, you'll never have to worry about me starting a social media scandal or posting inappropriate material to the Twitterverse. Facebook and Snapchat are still fair game though.
May 28, 2017
Reason 18: Pink is my favorite color. Why is this a reason to hire me? Well, Pink is also a musician (technically P!nk but whatever) and she is very successful and famous. Could my favorite color lead your company to more success and fame? Maybe. Just maybe.
This one might be a reach.
May 27, 2017
Reason 17: I'm diabetic, and one of my diabetic superpowers is being able to tell you exactly how many carbs are in absolutely any meal that I'm eating. Look, I know Marvel probably won't be making a movie about me any time soon, but hey it's a superpower nonetheless. How many superheroes have you actually hired?
May 26, 2017
Reason 16: I'm always willing to explore or try something new. I love saying yes to things I've never done before, and you can always count on me to sign up for any adventures we may set out on while producing great work.
I'm only human though, and anything involving snakes is absolutely out of the fucking question.
May 25, 2017
Reason 15: I'm always willing to learn. So, whether you want to teach me a new program that will help the company and our clients, or if you simply want to teach me how to break out of handcuffs (for educational purposes, of course) I'm always game.
May 24, 2017
Reason 14: I can play exactly three songs on the piano so I'm obviously overflowing with musical potential. I know it's a long shot, but let's say we're kidnapped by a James Bond-esque villain. I like to call him Captain Silverfox. The only way for us to escape is if one of us plays the piano and you don't know how to play! I know this is a long shot, but crazier things have happened and do you really want to risk having to outsmart Silverfox on your own? Didn't think so. Just hire me instead.
May 23, 2017
Reason 13: Okay, now this may seem desperate, but I will get ONE tattoo of your choice, anywhere on my body that won't cause permanent damage, if you hire me. Any suggestions can be emailed to MyMotherWillDisownMe@gmail.com.
May 22, 2017
Reason 12: I will ALWAYS dog-sit. Going out of town and need someone to watch Sparky? I'm your guy. Wanna get lunch but the restaurant won't let you bring Milo? Just drop him off at my desk and be on your merry way.
I will never say no to a dog. Except Chihuahuas. Sorry Paris.
May 21, 2017
Reason 11: I have a very entry level ability for speaking Spanish. Let's say we take a weekend trip down to Mexico, but then our car breaks down in the middle of a small town and our phones are out of service. Take solace in the fact there's like a 30% chance I'll be able to communicate with the locals to help us out. Better than nothing.
May 20, 2017
Reason 10: I'm comfortable when I'm not writing. For example, while I'm not the best at designing myself, I do love collaborating with an art director to help decide the best visual approach for a project. Put me in the same room as a producer and I'll sit for hours trying to decide how and when cuts should be made to tell the best story. I love every aspect of story telling, not just the crafting of words.
May 19, 2017
Reason 9: I'm a terrible singer. Why is this a reason to hire me? Well, you can sing at the top of your lungs and no matter what you can rely on the fact that you'll sound better than me, and everyone in the office will think you're super cool because of that. C'mon how have you NOT hired me by now?
May 18, 2017
Reason 8: Working late doesn't scare me. Work is my passion, and my purpose for being put on this planet. If that means staying past 5, or 6, or 7, or even coming in on weekends, I really won't care. I have high aspirations for where my career will take me, and I'm not afraid of working hard. I know that's what it'll take to get me to where I need to go.
May 17, 2017
Reason 7: While this may seem insignificant, I have a unique talent for untangling headphones. Hey, I know that I'll be the new guy, I'll do just about anything it takes to make a good impression. Give me your headphones and I'll untangle them for ya. So much better than a stupid coffee run anyway, right?
May 16, 2017
Reason 6: I will absolutely ball you up on the court. I'm like Steph Curry, but I can actually grow a beard like a man. Call me cocky, but if I weren't trying to work for you I'd be taking my talents to Miami circa 2010 LeBron.
May 15, 2017
Reason 5: I can write through multiple voices. My writing has never been one dimensional, and I pride myself on my ability to translate my voice and writing style across different mediums, brands and products.
May 14, 2017
Reason 4: I actually do my dishes. You know those people in the office who leave their mugs and plates in the sink for days and days? That's not me.
May 13, 2017
May 12, 2017
Reason 3: I make really, REALLY good food. My specialties include lasagna, egg cake (basically breakfast lasagna), anything that comes from a cow, and chocolate chip cookies from my grandma's super secret recipe. My grandma may or may not be named Pillsbury.
Kidding. Hire me and I'll cook for you though!
May 11, 2017
Reason 2: I'm nice (I promise). I've been told I'm easy going and even easier to work with. I love to promote a comfortable and collaborative work environment, especially with a creative partner.
I mean, unless you voted for Trump. Then all bets are off.