Need another reason to hire me outside of my work and adorable pink portfolio? Here’s 100.
I’m pretty decent at carnival games.
I have no enemies, except anemones. What are they plotting?
I’m immune to poor writing. Someone tried to give me a Twilight book and it spontaneously combusted when I touched it.
I’ve never committed treason. So, yeah.
I have a very impressive résumé in my possession. Granted, it's a stolen copy of Elon Musk's, but let’s ignore that.
I can screw in a nail.
I can choose an item off of the Cheesecake Factory menu in less than 45 minutes.
I need the money to support the 13 dogs I plan on owning.
I can lift over 10,000 pounds. Of course I'm referring to the British currency, but it's still very impressive.
I’ve never once slipped on a banana peel, despite their mischievous ways.
I can eat Cheetos without having sticky orange fingers afterwards. The trick is to have someone feed them to you.
I drive a Jetta named Britney. And yes, my only bumper sticker says “It’s Britney Bitch.” Thanks for asking.
I’m very proficient in dating apps, most notably Twitter and the Fox News comment section.
I can make a really bomb Pinterest board.
I finally solved the chicken vs. egg debate. Neither came first. It's all a conspiracy. Jet fuel could never melt egg shells.
I know the metric system. And by "know" I mean I know it exists, I could never actually use it practically.
My greatest goal in life is to tell Tomi Lahren to fuck off.
I can find Waldo every. damn. time.
I can listen to country music without tearing my ears off.
I've seen The Devil Wears Prada 63 times. And counting.
I'm a top Yelp reviewer of Yelp reviewers. I review other reviews. It’s a thankless job.
I can operate a Keurig machine. Blindfolded.
I can open a pint of ice cream without finishing it in one sitting.
60% of the time I make great work, every time.
I’m not a scientologist.
My name means dog in Hebrew, but I know you already knew that.
I've never intentionally watched a Rob Schneider movie, I promise.
Kid Rock has threatened to release another album, featuring the Jonas Brothers, if you don't hire me.
I’m deathly afraid of snakes AND planes, but if you hire me, I’ll watch Snakes on a Plane with my eyes taped open.
I'm really good at magic. Give me $100 and I promise you I can make it disappear.
I pour milk into the bowl before the cereal, mostly because I'm a big fan of anarchy.
Iay peaksay luentfay igpay atinlay.
I'm great at window shopping. I have incredible taste in windows.
I've never owned a fedora.
I enjoy long walks on the beach, playing catch, eating and sleeping. I'm basically a 6'2" Golden Retriever.
I can recite my ABC's backwards, in Mandarin.
I have a chip on my shoulder, but the good news is that it's a Dorito and it's Nacho Cheese so that's exciting.
I can build a pretty impressive house out of the jam packets at the local diner.
I'm like weirdly good at mini-golf.
It's either you hire or me, or I go back to stripping. Choose wisely.
"Caleb is great. Best writer out there, maybe ever. Great taste in music, too." - Barack Obama
Every kiss may begin with K, but every successful employee's name begins with C.
Because if you don't hire me, Liam Neeson will find you. And he will send really passive aggressive letters to your HR.
I can actually make an HDMI cord work on the first try.
If People Magazine can afford to name Blake Shelton the sexiest man alive, then you can definitely afford to hire me.
I once beat Simon Cowell in a game of Simon Says.
I look really good in heels.
I found God once. Seriously. She was in an airport Cinnabon after I hadn't eaten in like 16 hours.
I’m one of the few who CAN believe it's not butter.
I have never owned a fidget spinner.
I can pronounce the word "Worcestershire" correctly.
I won a fifth grade city wide math competition, so there's no question about my ability to perform in the spotlight.
I have a birthmark that looks like a vampire bit my hip. Maybe that's a little too revealing, but you know what I always say. "If you're not revealing yourself to a potential employer, you're doing it wrong."
I'm great with wordplay, in fact just the other day I took the word "watermelon" to the park and we played for hours.
I wear Skechers, so you'll never have to worry about me being the most stylish in the office.
I was voted captain of my fourth grade basketball team, so you know I'm an unquestionable leader.
I actually know where the Wild Things are, and if you hire me, I'll tell you too. Jk. It's New Jersey.
The legendary guitarist Santana once tried to steal me in an airport when I was a baby. True story.
I have excellent stick figure art skills, so if you ever need a portrait done feel free to ask me. I only charge $500/hr.
My words are like a fine wine, they're even better when you're drunk.
I'm not saying I'm the Batman, all I'm saying is that we've never been seen at the same place at the same time.
If you call my name three times into a mirror with the lights off and one candle lit in the back corner, absolutely nothing happens. But it's nice to know you're thinking of me.
I can pull off a male romper.
Like the film Sharknado, I'm timeless.
I can play just about four chords on the Ukulele so you know I'm musically gifted.
I've used Internet Explorer within the last six months and lived to tell the tale. You'll want guts like that.
I'm calm under pressure, unless the actual song Under Pressure comes on. In that situation, I must dance.
I’m a Ravenclaw.
I once had a staring contest with a picture of my Grandfather. And won.
I have absurdly large feet (size 15), but I'm not in the NBA, so I've clearly learned how to deal with adversity.
I know all the secret-menu items at like three different fast food chains. Imagine what you could do with that power.
If you hire me, I'll name my first child after you, [insert recruiter name here].
The mirror on the wall told me I'm the fairest of them all.
I'm so convincing, I once made the Cookie Monster eat a brownie.
I do my morning crossword in Sharpie, so you know I'm confident.
Since I'm diabetic, I'm not afraid of needles. So if you ever want to go get acupuncture or sell our blood for cash I'm totally game.
I can see a spider, grab a glass, take the spider outside of a house, ALL without burning the entire house down.
I can fold a fitted sheet.
I was born with a pencil in my hand. It was a medical anomaly. My mother was hospitalized for weeks.
I can draw a pretty impressive cartoon lion. His name is Lionel.
I can confidently tell the difference between the Olsen twins.
I order the really spicy wings at Buffalo Wild Wings so people can know how manly I am.
I'm like a pigeon. I'm always hungry, I take any opportunity no matter how big or small, and I was brought over to the U.S. from Europe on a ship in the 1600's.
I will confidently tell people that I like Pepsi more than Coke, so clearly I'm comfortable living life on the edge.
You’ve heard of Netflix and Chill, but I invented Hulu and Deep Chats About Emotional Vulnerability.
I will get ONE tattoo of your choice, anywhere on my body that won't cause permanent damage, if you hire me.
I have a unique talent for untangling headphones.
I give great directions.
I can grow a pretty nice beard.
I’ve never committed arson, so that’s good at least.
I'm left handed.
I'm a slow runner, so if we're ever being chased by a crazy monster, or my girlfriend when she's hungry, I'll die first.
I'm incredibly emotionally mature. For example, I watched a video where a dog sees his military dad for the first time in months, and I'll have you know I only cried for two weeks.
I make excellent Origami. But like, don’t make me prove it ya know?
Gordon Ramsay once ate my food, and without saying a word, he stood up and applauded for three straight days.
I once beat Dwayne Johnson in a game of The Rock, The Paper, The Scissors.
I can spell restaurant correctly.
I'm a borderline professional Settlers of Catan player.
I’m clearly very humble.